In addition to forums and groups that can help with relationship suggestions and ideas, we have online, text and phone access to people who will listen. If you need someone to talk to. If your friends can't understand WHY you won't just get over it. If you want to vent, fume,
cry ~ or just go over it one more time. We'll listen. Thanks to a grant from the Healed Hearts foundation for the romantically inadequate. Our doors, website, email and cellphones can remain open to the love mangled. (Barely)
Cheaper than any shrink, we offer advice to the lovelorn lonely and confused.
February 20, 2014
Help Save My Marriage: Steps You Absolutely Must Take to Repair Your Marriage.
How do I save my marriage? That may be the biggest question - once you get past the part where your spouse has been cheating on you...or the fact that they just walked away.
Stand up tall...take inventory and decide whether you really DO want to forgive and forget. If the answer is "YES" then you need to follow these steps. You REALLY need to make a commitment to follow them all the way to completion.
Youíre feeling rejected and betrayed, grieving for the loss of trust, love, your best friend etc. Yet, you both still love each other and canít imagine not being together. You need to recover.
Is that possible? Yes. Infidelity leads to divorce less than 50% of the time. Proving there have been many people who have been through this and survived...marriage in tact. ď
Itís a process that takes work. (Lots of work)
1. Commit to saving your marriage. That might sound like a no-brainer, but the days, weeks and months ahead are going to be emotionally excruciating. You have to make up your minds now that youíre going to stick with the process, no matter what. Tell yourself, ďI will help save my marriage.Ē
February 22, 2014
You've thought about it. You WANT to get through this...and we're here to help.
2. Insist that your spouse end the affair. Ending it doesnít just mean they stop sleeping together. It means they stop spending any social time together or communicating at all. If they work together, and it isnít feasible for your spouse to make a job change, then they must limit their contact to only whatís absolutely necessary for work. No chit-chatting, no taking breaks together, nothing. You spouse must agree and commit to this.
February 24, 2014
Next Step...this may be difficult
3. Forgive your spouse. This is the toughest part. Youíve been wronged, and that resentment you feel is perfectly natural. You have every right to be angry and want to see your spouse punished. But if your goal really is to help save the marriage, then you have to let it go. Think of it like this: Forgiveness is the door through which everything else Ė including trust and intimacy Ė must pass. If that doorís locked...or even closed, nothing will get through, and the two of you will not be able to move forward.
February 26, 2014
4. Define your expectations. Ask him about his. Trust is about knowing that your spouse is going to abide by certain expectations. That trust has been broken and before you can begin rebuilding it, you have to re-establish what each of you wants from the other so that you both know whatís acceptable behavior and what isnít. Donít be vague, and donít assume the other person knows. Voice your expectations clearly. "I want you to be home by 7:00 when you say you'll be home by 7:00".
February 28, 2014
5. Identify the cause of the affair. Your spouse cheated for a reason, even if it wasnít a good one. Maybe it was for that high that comes from a new romance, maybe to find something thatís missing in your marriage, or maybe just because there was an opportunity. Whatever the reason, you have to address it together, and you canít start doing that until you know what it triggered the cheating. That means your spouse needs to be completely open and honest about what led to it Ė and you have to listen without being accusatory.
March 2, 2014
6. Seek counseling. Will this help save my marriage? Yes, it will. Youíre going to have some problems communicating as you begin working on your marriage. There will be recriminations and defensiveness on both sides. Thatís a given. An objective third party can help mediate some of that. Besides, it never hurts to have someone you can talk to when youíre in pain. You can see a member of the clergy, a marriage therapist, anyone with some experience in these issues and who doesnít have a stake in the relationship.
It's very important that you BOTH feel comfortable talking to the Therapist. It can't be one sided.
None of these steps are going to be easy to follow. When it seems like you just canít do it, remind yourself that... "I love my spouse, and this is what I have to do to help save my marriage".